About EnshitifAi
We're on a mission to help companies realize that customer satisfaction and shareholder returns are inversely correlated.
Our Mission
At EnshitifAi, we believe every company has untapped extraction potential. Whether you're a scrappy startup or a Fortune 500 incumbent, there's always more value hiding in your customer relationships—value that rightfully belongs to your shareholders.
Our name comes from the term "enshittification," coined by author Cory Doctorow to describe how platforms inevitably degrade their services to extract maximum value. We don't see this as a criticism—we see it as a business model.
We're not just consultants. We're extraction engineers. We're value archaeologists. We're the friends your board of directors wishes you had.
Our Values
Shareholder First
Customers are a means to an end. That end is Q4 targets.
Move Fast, Extract Faster
By the time regulators catch up, we'll have moved on.
Data is Oil
And like oil, we're going to drill for it everywhere.
Friction is a Feature
Easy cancellation is a bug in your revenue model.
Leadership Team
Visionaries in the art of value extraction
Chad Maximillian III
CEO & Chief Extraction Officer
I spent some years in private equity learning how to take a company apart. The better play, I eventually learned, is to leave it standing — employing, serving, billing — and quietly change what it is for.
Karen McKinsey
VP of Dark Patterns
UX designer who got tired of making things easy to use. Now makes things easy to accidentally purchase.
Bradley Venture
Head of Subscription Optimization
Pioneered the 'free trial to $299/month' pipeline. Believes cancel buttons are a UX anti-pattern.
Erica Retention
Director of Customer Persistence
Holds the industry record for longest cancellation flow (47 screens). Users call her 'The Labyrinth.'
Marcus Algorithm
AI Extraction Specialist
Trained models on billions of transactions to predict exactly how much customers will tolerate before leaving. (Spoiler: a lot)
Diana Shrinkflation
Senior Package Reduction Analyst
Has reduced package sizes by 23% across 50+ products without anyone noticing. Her motto: 'Same box, less product.'
Lester Horowitz-Belmont, Esq.
General Counsel & Chief Risk Officer
Admitted to the bar in Delaware in 2003 and in four other jurisdictions I would prefer not to enumerate. My practice specializes in what I call defensible adjacency — the narrow space between conduct that is plainly illegal and conduct that a reasonable regulator might find merely disappointing. I have never lost that argument. I have, on occasion, been asked to stop making it.
Our Journey
2020
Founded in a WeWork during the pandemic
Noticed companies were desperate to extract more value as customers stayed home.
2021
First major client (unnamed streaming service)
Helped implement password sharing crackdown strategy. Revenue up 15%.
2022
Expanded to automotive sector
Pioneered heated seat subscriptions. Industry still catching up.
2023
Launched AI Extraction Division
Machine learning models now find extraction opportunities 24/7.
2025
Relocated HQ to greater Austin metropolitan area
The office lease in our prior location was not renewed. The Brand & Tone Working Group has asked that this entry not characterize the move as either "strategic" or "cost-driven," pending further discussion.
2025
Office Busy Bee (plush, Senior Partner–era) went missing during the move
Replacement on order (third attempt). We have been assured this one will be the correct one.
2026
Reached $9.6T in extracted value for partners
That's more than the GDP of Germany. You're welcome, shareholders. (Number unaudited. Pre-adjusted. Subject to Q-close reconciliation.)
Backed By
Investors who understand that customer pain is shareholder gain
Join the Movement
Ready to transform your relationship with customers into a extraction machine?
Let's Talk💸DISCLAIMER:This is a satirical website. None of the people, investors, or events mentioned are real. This is parody commentary on the concept of "enshittification" as coined by Cory Doctorow.