01
Subscription Traps
Convert one-time purchases into recurring revenue streams. If they bought it, they can rent it again.
Engagements of this type were briefly paused in Q3 2024 pending a legal review. The review concluded favorably.
01 / The Practice
Now accepting new extraction partners— 2 slots remaining this quarter, pending board
Unlock the true value of your customers.
We help forward-thinking companies transition from customer satisfaction to customer value extraction. Because shareholder value doesn't grow itself.
- $10.2T†
- Index
- 49
- Constituents
- 0‡
- Lawsuits won
- 100%
- Profit focus
†Unaudited. Pre-adjusted. Subject to Q-close reconciliation and board review. ‡ Active litigation ongoing in 3 jurisdictions. We do not comment on active litigation. We also do not comment on settled litigation, as a matter of policy.
^ETSHT · Extraction Index · Constituents
^ETSHT+2.41%▲
Amazon$847B▲Meta/Facebook$650B▲Google$1.3T▲X (Twitter)$44B▲TikTok$380B▲Netflix$182B▲Uber$89B▲Adobe$285B▲Reddit$6.5B▲Unity$12B▲Tesla$420B▲SiriusXM$23B▲Mercedes-Benz$78B▲Ticketmaster/Live Nation$23B▲Broadcom/VMware$210B▲Chamberlain/MyQ$890M▲Spotify$79B▲Intuit/TurboTax$45B▲Sonos$2.1B▲HP Inc.$31B▲Boeing$178B▲DoorDash$47B▲Planet Fitness$12B▲BetterHelp$3.2B▲Oracle$1.5T▲Microsoft$2.1T▲Bending Spoons$32B▲Palantir$180B▲Walmart$450B▲Chipotle$18B▲Starbucks$55B▲UPS$95B▲Dutchie$4.5B▲Niantic$12B▲Jagex$1.4B▲American Airlines$34B▲Docker$2.8B▲Salesforce$290B▲Flock Safety$7.5B▲Culligan$6B▲Nestlé$250B▲Primo Brands$14B▲Target$85B▲Fitbit$9B▲Notion$8B▲BMW$88B▲Buc-ee's$2.4B▲LinkedIn$140B▲Twitch$24B▲Amazon$847B▲Meta/Facebook$650B▲Google$1.3T▲X (Twitter)$44B▲TikTok$380B▲Netflix$182B▲Uber$89B▲Adobe$285B▲Reddit$6.5B▲Unity$12B▲Tesla$420B▲SiriusXM$23B▲Mercedes-Benz$78B▲Ticketmaster/Live Nation$23B▲Broadcom/VMware$210B▲Chamberlain/MyQ$890M▲Spotify$79B▲Intuit/TurboTax$45B▲Sonos$2.1B▲HP Inc.$31B▲Boeing$178B▲DoorDash$47B▲Planet Fitness$12B▲BetterHelp$3.2B▲Oracle$1.5T▲Microsoft$2.1T▲Bending Spoons$32B▲Palantir$180B▲Walmart$450B▲Chipotle$18B▲Starbucks$55B▲UPS$95B▲Dutchie$4.5B▲Niantic$12B▲Jagex$1.4B▲American Airlines$34B▲Docker$2.8B▲Salesforce$290B▲Flock Safety$7.5B▲Culligan$6B▲Nestlé$250B▲Primo Brands$14B▲Target$85B▲Fitbit$9B▲Notion$8B▲BMW$88B▲Buc-ee's$2.4B▲LinkedIn$140B▲Twitch$24B▲Amazon$847B▲Meta/Facebook$650B▲Google$1.3T▲X (Twitter)$44B▲TikTok$380B▲Netflix$182B▲Uber$89B▲Adobe$285B▲Reddit$6.5B▲Unity$12B▲Tesla$420B▲SiriusXM$23B▲Mercedes-Benz$78B▲Ticketmaster/Live Nation$23B▲Broadcom/VMware$210B▲Chamberlain/MyQ$890M▲Spotify$79B▲Intuit/TurboTax$45B▲Sonos$2.1B▲HP Inc.$31B▲Boeing$178B▲DoorDash$47B▲Planet Fitness$12B▲BetterHelp$3.2B▲Oracle$1.5T▲Microsoft$2.1T▲Bending Spoons$32B▲Palantir$180B▲Walmart$450B▲Chipotle$18B▲Starbucks$55B▲UPS$95B▲Dutchie$4.5B▲Niantic$12B▲Jagex$1.4B▲American Airlines$34B▲Docker$2.8B▲Salesforce$290B▲Flock Safety$7.5B▲Culligan$6B▲Nestlé$250B▲Primo Brands$14B▲Target$85B▲Fitbit$9B▲Notion$8B▲BMW$88B▲Buc-ee's$2.4B▲LinkedIn$140B▲Twitch$24B▲
02 / Hall of Extraction
Ranked by index.
The EnshitifAi Extraction Index is an editorial opinion, weighted by documented practice and rebalanced quarterly. It is not a measurement of company conduct.
- 01MicrosoftEmpowering Every Person and Organization on the Planet to Subscribe More$2.1T
- 02OracleCan't Break In (Can't Break Out)$1.5T
- 03GoogleDon't Be Evil (Terms and Conditions Apply)$1.3T
- 04AmazonFrom 'Customer Obsession' to 'Customer Extraction'$847B
- 05Meta/FacebookConnecting People to Advertisements$650B
- 06WalmartSave Money. Live Better. Install the App.$450B
- 07TeslaSubscribe to Your Own Car$420B
- 08TikTokYour Attention is Our Product$380B
Combined index across all 49 constituents: $10.2T. Unaudited. Pre-adjusted.
All 49 constituents →03 / Capabilities
Our services
02
Dark Pattern Design
UX optimization that makes the profitable choice the only visible choice.
We no longer use the phrase "dark pattern" in client-facing decks. Please use "persuasive design" internally.
03
Service Degradation
Strategic quality reduction, applied until the premium tier starts to look like mercy.
Practice lead is on sabbatical through Q2. Engagements are being covered by Senior Associates.
04
Cancellation Labyrinths
Turn a 1-click signup into a 47-step odyssey of retention.
Post-FTC Click-to-Cancel rulemaking, we refer to these engagements as "Retention Journey Mapping." The work has not changed.
05
Shrinkflation Consulting
Same price, less product. The math checks out for shareholders.
Per current brand guidelines, please do not use the word "shrinkflation" in any client-facing deliverable. The preferred term is "unit rightsizing."
06
AI-Powered Extraction
Machine learning models trained on billions of data points. They find extraction vectors a human analyst would be too embarrassed to propose.
GPU allocation for this practice is constrained through Q2. New engagements may be queued; we appreciate your patience.
04 / References
What our partners say
01 — $2.3B extracted
“EnshitifAi helped us see that customer trust is a depletable resource, and we should deplete it faster.”
Definitely Not a CEO
Major Tech Company
VERIFIED · pending release approval from subject's legal team
02 — $890M extracted
“Our users used to love us. Now they're trapped. Same thing, really.”
Anonymous Founder
Popular Social Platform
VERIFIED · subject has since unverified this testimonial
03 — $1.1B extracted
“We never knew how much money we were leaving on the table by having a functional product.”
Chief Revenue Officer
Streaming Service
VERIFIED · awaiting a headshot for the case-study deck
04 — $3.7B extracted
“They taught us that every free feature is just a paid feature we hadn't gotten around to charging for yet.”
Board Advisor
Household-Name App
VERIFIED · quote reconstructed from a since-deleted earnings call
05 — $5.4B extracted
“Nobody could ever tell me what a happy customer was worth, so we moved the success metric over to switching costs and the number finally held still.”
VP of Monetization
Enterprise SaaS Leader
VERIFIED · subject declined to confirm but did not decline the check
06 — 0 lawsuits, so far
“I still don't really understand what you do. How have you not been sued yet?”
The Founder's Mother
Emergency Contact
UNVERIFIED · subject asks about this every Thanksgiving
05 / Engagement
Ready to extract?
Schedule your complimentary Value Extraction Assessment.
(Just $100,000 after the free consultation)
Please allow 4–6 business days for response during Q-close windows. Our scheduling coordinator is out this week; coverage is being handled by a Senior Associate who is, per her out-of-office message, "checking email intermittently."
DISCLAIMER:This is a satirical website. EnshitifAi is not a real company. This site is a parody commentary on the concept of "enshittification" as coined by Cory Doctorow. No actual consulting services are offered. All company references are for satirical purposes only.
ADDENDUM (outside counsel, April 14): The preceding disclaimer was reviewed and approved by outside counsel on April 14. A subsequent review was requested by internal compliance on April 15 and is still pending. If you are viewing this page between April 14 and the resolution of the April 15 review, please understand that both the satire and the disclaimer are operating on different review cycles, and we are doing our best.
FURTHER ADDENDUM (brand & tone, April 16):The word "enshittification" is used throughout this site in its original, author-coined sense and is not intended to be disparaging of any commercial entity. The Brand & Tone Working Group would like it noted that they voted 3–2 against the site's overall tone at the March meeting; the minority view is preserved in the meeting minutes.