Unlock the True
Value of Your Customers
We help forward-thinking companies transition from customer satisfaction to customer value extraction. Because shareholder value doesn't grow itself.
Consumer-side preview: how much are you worth?→$9.2T†
Value Extracted
34+
Partners Served
0‡
Lawsuits Won
100%
Profit Focus
†Unaudited. Pre-adjusted. Subject to Q-close reconciliation and board review. ‡ Active litigation ongoing in 3 jurisdictions. We do not comment on active litigation. We also do not comment on settled litigation, as a matter of policy.
Hall of Extraction
Top performers ranked by customer value extracted
Microsoft
since 2001Empowering Every Person and Organization on the Planet to Subscribe More
$2.1T
extracted
Oracle
since 1977Can't Break In (Can't Break Out)
$1.4T
extracted
Don't Be Evil (Terms and Conditions Apply)
$1.25T
extracted
Amazon
since 2015From 'Customer Obsession' to 'Customer Extraction'
$847B
extracted
Meta/Facebook
since 2014Connecting People to Advertisements
$621B
extracted
Walmart
since 2020Save Money. Live Better. Install the App.
$450B
extracted
Combined extraction: $9.2T+ and counting
Our Services
Comprehensive solutions for maximum value extraction
Subscription Traps
Convert one-time purchases into recurring revenue streams. If they bought it, they can rent it again.
Engagements of this type were briefly paused in Q3 2024 pending a legal review. The review concluded favorably.
Dark Pattern Design
UX optimization that makes the profitable choice the only visible choice.
We no longer use the phrase "dark pattern" in client-facing decks. Please use "persuasive design" internally.
Service Degradation
Strategic quality reduction to drive users toward premium tiers.
Practice lead is on sabbatical through Q2. Engagements are being covered by Senior Associates.
Cancellation Labyrinths
Turn a 1-click signup into a 47-step odyssey of retention.
Post-FTC Click-to-Cancel rulemaking, we refer to these engagements as "Retention Journey Mapping." The work has not changed.
Shrinkflation Consulting
Same price, less product. The math checks out for shareholders.
Per current brand guidelines, please do not use the word "shrinkflation" in any client-facing deliverable. The preferred term is "unit rightsizing."
AI-Powered Extraction
Machine learning models trained on billions of data points to find new extraction vectors.
GPU allocation for this practice is constrained through Q2. New engagements may be queued; we appreciate your patience.
What Our Partners Say
“EnshitifAi helped us see that customer trust is a depletable resource, and we should deplete it faster.”
Definitely Not a CEO
Major Tech Company
VERIFIED · pending release approval from subject's legal team
“Our users used to love us. Now they're trapped. Same thing, really.”
Anonymous Founder
Popular Social Platform
VERIFIED · subject has since unverified this testimonial
“We never knew how much money we were leaving on the table by having a functional product.”
Chief Revenue Officer
Streaming Service
VERIFIED · we are awaiting a headshot for the case-study deck
Ready to Extract?
Schedule your complimentary Value Extraction Assessment today.
(Just $100,000 after the free consultation)
Please allow 4–6 business days for response during Q-close windows. Our scheduling coordinator is out this week; coverage is being handled by a Senior Associate who is, per her out-of-office message, "checking email intermittently."
DISCLAIMER:This is a satirical website. EnshitifAi is not a real company. This site is a parody commentary on the concept of "enshittification" as coined by Cory Doctorow. No actual consulting services are offered. All company references are for satirical purposes only.
ADDENDUM (outside counsel, April 14): The preceding disclaimer was reviewed and approved by outside counsel on April 14. A subsequent review was requested by internal compliance on April 15 and is still pending. If you are viewing this page between April 14 and the resolution of the April 15 review, please understand that both the satire and the disclaimer are operating on different review cycles, and we are doing our best.
FURTHER ADDENDUM (brand & tone, April 16):The word "enshittification" is used throughout this site in its original, author-coined sense and is not intended to be disparaging of any commercial entity. The Brand & Tone Working Group would like it noted that they voted 3–2 against the site's overall tone at the March meeting; the minority view is preserved in the meeting minutes.