Join the Extraction Revolution
We're building a world-class team of extraction specialists, dark pattern designers, and professional rationalizers. Sound like you?
Our Culture
At EnshitifAi, we move fast and break things (specifically, customer trust). We're a family here*—which means we'll guilt you into working weekends and underpay you because "we're all in this together."
*Not an actual family. No familial legal protections apply.
Benefits & Perks
Competitive Extraction of Your Labor
We pay market rate, which we helped define by suppressing wages industry-wide.
Unlimited PTO*
*Unlimited as long as your work gets done, which it won't, so you'll never take any.
Health Insurance
After a 90-day waiting period, 6-month enrollment window, and $8,000 deductible.
Equity
Shares in a company that profits from human misery. Vest over 4 years with a 1-year cliff.
Free Snacks
Shrinkflated snacks from our partners. Great for testing product degradation firsthand.
Wellness Stipend
$50/month for therapy. You'll need it.
Open Positions
Find your place in the extraction economy
Senior Dark Pattern Architect
UX Extraction • Remote (Cayman Islands HQ) • Full-time
$180,000 - $250,000
Design user interfaces that guide users toward profitable decisions they didn't know they wanted to make.
Requirements:
- •7+ years of experience making simple things complicated
- •Portfolio of confirmshaming copy that made users feel bad about saving money
- •Expert knowledge of GDPR (specifically, how to technically comply while violating its spirit)
- +2 more requirements...
Extraction Data Scientist
AI & Analytics • Remote • Full-time
$200,000 - $300,000
Build ML models that predict exactly how much degradation customers will tolerate before churning.
Requirements:
- •PhD in Computer Science, Statistics, or Applied Exploitation
- •5+ years building models that optimize for metrics humans would be ashamed of
- •Experience with TensorFlow, PyTorch, or our proprietary ExtractionML framework
- +2 more requirements...
Subscription Trap Engineer
Revenue Optimization • San Francisco, CA • Full-time
$160,000 - $220,000
Convert one-time purchases into eternal revenue streams through creative subscription architecture.
Requirements:
- •5+ years turning 'buy' buttons into 'subscribe' buttons
- •Deep understanding of auto-renewal dark arts
- •Experience hiding 'cancel subscription' behind at least 5 clicks
- +2 more requirements...
Customer Retention Specialist (Hostage Negotiator)
Customer Persistence • Remote • Full-time
$90,000 - $130,000
Prevent customers from leaving through strategic offers, guilt, and labyrinthine phone trees.
Requirements:
- •3+ years in customer retention, churn prevention, or actual hostage negotiation
- •Ability to keep someone on the phone for 45+ minutes
- •Expert-level guilt-tripping and FOMO creation
- +2 more requirements...
Shrinkflation Analyst
Package Optimization • Remote • Full-time
$120,000 - $160,000
Identify opportunities to reduce product/service quantity while maintaining or increasing prices.
Requirements:
- •4+ years in product management, preferably making products worse
- •Expert Excel skills for calculating optimal size-to-price deception ratios
- •Experience redesigning packaging to obscure quantity reductions
- +2 more requirements...
Chief Rationalization Officer
Executive • Cayman Islands • Full-time
$400,000 - $600,000 + equity
Help leadership sleep at night by developing compelling narratives about why extraction is actually good.
Requirements:
- •10+ years in corporate communications, PR, or organized religion
- •Ability to frame anything as 'creating value for stakeholders'
- •Expert at whataboutism ('but our competitors do it too!')
- +2 more requirements...
Extraction Intern (Unpaid)
Various • Remote • Internship
Experience™ + LinkedIn Recommendation
Learn the fundamentals of customer value extraction from industry leaders. Great for building your portfolio of morally questionable work.
Requirements:
- •Currently enrolled in business school (ethics courses waived)
- •Willingness to work 60 hours/week for 'exposure'
- •Own laptop, own software licenses, own lunch
- +2 more requirements...
Our Hiring Process
Apply
Submit your resume into our ATS void. We'll ghost you for 3-6 months.
Phone Screen
30-minute call with a recruiter who hasn't read your resume.
Take-Home
40-hour 'small project' to 'see how you think.' We may use it in production.
Panel Interviews
6 hours of interviews where everyone asks the same questions.
Don't See Your Role?
We're always looking for talented extractors. Send us your resume and we'll keep it on file (by which we mean delete it immediately).
Get in Touch📧DISCLAIMER: These are not real job postings. EnshitifAi is a satirical website. Please do not actually apply. If you did apply, we admire your commitment to the bit.