Every great company starts with a simple observation. Ours was this: companies are leaving billions of dollars on the table by actually trying to make customers happy.
The Aha Moment
It was late 2023. I was sitting in my home office—a converted guest house on my third property, nothing fancy—and I was frustrated. I had just tried to cancel a subscription I didn't use anymore.
It took 45 minutes.
Most people would be angry. I was inspired.
"This is genius," I whispered to no one in particular (the help had gone home). "What if we could teach every company to do this?"
And thus, EnshitifAi was born.
The Name
People ask about the name. It's a portmanteau of "enshittification"—a term coined by the brilliant Cory Doctorow to describe how platforms inevitably decay—and "AI," because every company needs AI in its name in 2024 or VCs won't even take the meeting.
We're not actually an AI company per se. We're more of a consulting firm that uses AI as a buzzword. But "EnshitifConsulting" didn't have the same ring to it.
Our Mission
Our mission is simple: help companies realize that customer satisfaction and shareholder returns are not aligned. In fact, they're often inversely correlated.
Think about it:
The math is clear.
Our Values
Shareholder Primacy: Customers are a means to an end. That end is Q4 targets and executive bonuses.
Operational Excellence: We optimize relentlessly. Mostly we optimize for extracting value, but that's still optimization.
Innovation: Finding new ways to charge for things that used to be free requires genuine creativity. We're proud of our innovative spirit.
Integrity: We are consistently, transparently, unapologetically focused on extraction. That's a form of integrity, right?
The Team
I'm proud to say we've assembled a world-class team of extraction specialists. Former dark pattern designers from major tech companies. Ex-consultants from firms that charge $500/hour to tell you to fire people. A data scientist who got banned from three casinos for "being too good at finding exploits."
Together, we're building something special. Something that will make shareholders very happy and customers very... well, customers.
Looking Forward
As I write this, we're closing our Series A at a valuation I'm not allowed to disclose but will heavily imply is impressive. We're hiring aggressively. We're signing partners across every industry.
The enshittification economy is here, and we're proud to be leading the charge.
To our future partners: we can't wait to help you extract.
To our future customers' customers: sorry in advance.
Onwards and upwards,
Chad Maximillian III
CEO & Chief Extraction Officer
EnshitifAi
P.S. - This letter is auto-enrolled in our monthly newsletter. Unsubscribe link is on page 4 of the email, size 6 font, gray on slightly-less-gray.
This is satire. There is no Chad. There is no Series A. There might be a converted guest house somewhere, but it's not ours.